THE STORE CARD?  

Nowadays it seems — every time I go shopping at the store, drug store, grocery store, hardware store, etc., nine times out of ten when I get up to the cashier’s counter I'm asked, “Do you have your ____ card, sir?"

“No. I don’t have one.”

“Would you like to get one, sir?”

“No thanks.”

“It’ll only take a minute, sir”.

“NO.”

“Are you sure, sir?”

“YES I’M SURE, and NO, I DON’T WANT ONE!”

"What's the matter, sir? Don't you want to save money!"

I didn't answer. This was one of those stupid loaded questions like, "Are you still beating your wife?"  and I wanted to choose my words carefully because I thought I had seen my Preacher over on Aisle 4 and I didn't want to be the topic of next Sunday's sermon.

It had gotten quiet in the store except for the incessant chewing gum popping by the clerk.  She turned toward me, folding her arms across her chest as if to say, "Well jackass!  I'm waiting."

"Ma'am", I began. "Ma'am . . .  your obstinate insistence that I should obtain one of those flipping store cards in order to save money, in your opinion, Ma'am, and your uncaring snot-nosed bag full of discourteous rudeness and self-serving air of arrogance, has put me in a foul mood that I wasn't previously in before entering this store.

Not only have you been rude to me, Ma'am, but you've also been rude to all those people in line behind me, by keeping them waiting.   Who knows, Ma'am?  One of those people in line might be a closet serial killer, and you'd have been the trigger that set him or her off.  Why can't you keep a card behind the counter for people like me who don't want to carry around twenty or thirty different cards, one for each store?  Then all you'd have to do, ma'am, would be to reach down, grab it, and scan it. 

Ma'am?

What, Ma'am?

Do I want what, Ma'am?

No, Ma'am.

I don’t want my %#@&% receipt."

My new cellphone.

I’ve just bought another cell phone. My first in five years.

My new phone makes more sounds than my old phone, and I don't know yet, what all the new sounds mean.  Being an old man, I already had strange noises coming from my body.   Now I have more.

The other day, I was blowing my nose a bit too vigorously causing me to fart.  Then my cell phone rang, scaring me so bad I had to sit down.  I wasn't sure what to expect next.  

I remember when cell phones first came out. I carried on a conversation with a guy at Kroger for five minutes before I discovered that he wasn't even talking to me.  

And I can’t get used to the vibrate mode. It tickles.  I’m close to seventy years old, so, I guess, a little tickle every now and then is a good thing, and I've started calling myself just for the sensation.  

My girlfriend and I call each other with our phones in the vibrate mode, while sharing a glass of wine. Don’t knock it.  You ought to see our selfies.  

cab

Buying New Underwear


There’s an inherent problem with buying new underwear you might not be aware of, and it’s more complicated than you think. (We’re talking about men’s underwear here, not ladies.)

Let’s say you have twelve pairs of underwear in your underwear drawer. A pair for every day of the week, and a spare pair, or two,  for unexpected events.  Some of them, not all, are starting to lose elasticity.

Half-way through the work day, you find yourself with “droopy drawers”. Your underwear has slipped down and is only covering half of your butt, the important half, but never-the-less, walking becomes uncomfortable. You find yourself “duck” walking, like one of those hip-hop jive guys you see down on the street just to keep your drawers from sliding down around your knees.

It’s time for new underwear.

After reviewing your size, you snug ’em back up, zip-up your fly, buckle your belt and head out to the closest Walmart to buy six new pairs. You could buy more than just six pairs, but just in case you get the wrong brand, or there’s a problem with the size, it's better to stick with just a few until you know for sure. Proper fitting underwear is important.

Here's the problem, the "rub" with buying new underwear.

After washing the new underwear, to take out the “itch factor”, you fold them up nicely, just like the others and store them neatly away in your underwear drawer. The next morning, it’s decision time. Time to choose a pair of underwear for the day. Which pair do you think you’ll go with, the old, stained, “loose as a goose” pair, or a pair of the bright, clean, snappy-elastic drawers. You’ll choose the new ones, of course. As long as old and new underwear is lying there next to each other, you invariably will always, pick the newer pair.

To make a long story brief…..NEVER, NEVER BUY NEW UNDERWEAR WITHOUT THROWING THE OLD UNDERWEAR AWAY first.

Old, tired and stained underwear will never mingle comfortably, with bright, new briefs.

cab