Ten Tips for Taking Lunch to Work
 

Tip # 1
I prefer making lunch for work the night before and after my third beer of the night. This provides that much sought after and easily obtainable "element of surprise”, to next day’s lunch.  If you don’t drink beer, fixing next day’s lunch will be a drudgery.

Tip # 2
Don’t feed the cat at the same time you make lunch, especially after the third beer.  Mistakes happen.

Tip # 3
Always pack more lunch than you’ll need for one meal, that way, you won’t go hungry.  A “backup sandwich” will always come in handy, someday, when you badly need it.

Tip # 4
Pack a wet washcloth in a zip-lock baggy with your lunch.  You can use the washcloth for your face and hands after eating.  This adds a touch of sophistication to your meal—-making your workday more civilized.  You can even throw in a chocolate mint if you like.

Tip # 5
If you pack soup, make sure you include a spoon.  It’s hard to eat soup with a fork, and somewhat embarrassing.

Tip # 6
When packing a peanut butter sandwich for lunch don’t make it the night before and stick it in the fridge.  Peanut butter does not age well in the fridge and looks like HELL.  Wait until morning to make the sandwich.

Tip # 7
If you use a cooler to carry your lunch in, keep it clean.  Dried mustard, ketchup, axle grease, and the occasional blob of gum, will make your lunch look unappetizing.  If you use a paper bag, put your name on it.  It’s hard to explain how you “got into” someone else’s lunch by mistake, especially if you had forgotten which lunch was yours, due to strict adherence to Tip # 1.

Tip #8
If you prefer a sandwich for lunch, cut it in half, use two zip lock sandwich bags, one-half sandwich in each bag.  Trying to stuff a whole sandwich into just one of those little sandwich bags, invariably mashes the sandwich, and the bag won’t zip due to food junk in the zipper.  For more variety, mix it up on the bread.  Pumpernickel for one sandwich, rye for the other.  Take cornbread or crackers for soup. The following, Tips 9 and 10 refer to microwave ovens and the safe, courteous use thereof.

Tip #9
If you use a microwave at work to heat your lunch, and this is very important, learn what foods can and can’t be heated in a microwave without offending the noses of your co-workers.  Broccoli is a “NO NO”, along with any type of fish product.  Never, never put sardines in a microwave.

Tip #10
Popcorn.  Taking a bag of popcorn to work is very easy.  Popping it safely, on the other hand, can be a different matter entirely.  Do not walk away from popcorn while it is popping.  Burnt popcorn can damage the microwave. Burnt popcorn stinks.  If the microwave is in a public lunch room, and your popcorn burns, you WILL DEVELOP A REPUTATION quite possibly a nickname.  Being know as “Ole Smokey” or “The Popcorn Pooper” could follow you for the rest of your working career.  Maybe even longer.



Have a nice lunch. 

C. Allen Benson

 A Bladder Exercise for Beer Drinkers (Men Only)

I drink a lot of beer at night. Every night!  A strong and healthy bladder, to me, is very important.
To this end, I’ve worked-up an afternoon exercise to help strengthen the bladders of other, fellow beer drinkers, across America.  Calisthenics for the bladder, if you will.

WATER.

That’s all you need.  WATER. Well . . . . . . not quite all. It goes without saying when you combine “water” and “bladders” there should be a bathroom nearby.

Here’s how I personally do the exercise.  (You may have to change some things to suit your own, personal preference.)

Starting at about three or four in the afternoon, (there needs to be about seven hours minimum between the end of the bladder exercise and the commencement of the nightly beer consumption), what I do,  is to take my ounce,  BPA free, Nalgene water bottle and fill it full of ice water.   The idea here, and pardon my elaboration, is to expand and deflate the bladder over a period of two hours.  The bladder is expanded by drinking water.  The opposite,  or bladder-deflation,  is accomplished by peeing.  The routine is to drink, then pee; drink, then pee; and drink, then pee.  I call it the DRINK THEN PEE BLADDER EXERCISE PROCEDURE or D. T. P. B. E. P. for short.

An afternoon of trotting back and forth to the urinal not only builds up the bladder’s stamina but stretches like a balloon, the bladder’s side-wall muscle. A strong side-wall muscle is essential when it comes to peeing forcibly, and to beer drinkers, there are not many things more important than peeing forcibly. If you’ve ever worn white socks with sandals in a public place, and have to go stand in front of a urinal in the bathroom, you know what I mean.  If your pecker pushing power is not up to snuff, gets loose, and your pecker points in the wrong direction those white socks may take a direct hit.  No one, but no one, will believe that your socks have been TYE DYED.  If you’re re-joining a party, and your wife is there, she will not be happy.

Not only will this exercise keep you from being a weak pee’er but it will also increase the volume capacity of your bladder, and that or course; means fewer bathroom breaks.  The downside is, you quite possibly will develop a “sloshing sound” when you walk.  But hey, everything's a trade-off.
Try this exercise for a couple of weeks and see if it helps your nightly beer drinking enjoyment. If you have any tips or methods of improving on this exercise, please let me know.

 C. Allen Benson